Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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