Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
