why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
