The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
