I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
