Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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