I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
