Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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