I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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