What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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