I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
