He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
