once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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