The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
