I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
