mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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