you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
