Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
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Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Four minutes until I can fart!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
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In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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