We're like a lot better than the average bears
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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