WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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