1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
