i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
