Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
