How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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