Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
