Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
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He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
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She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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