I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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