i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
