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dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
