My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
