I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
