We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
