We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
