Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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