I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
