I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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