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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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