I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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