he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
