she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
