someone get that fucking seahorse.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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