my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
