margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
