She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
