I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need a beard to bite.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
