Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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