On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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