i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
