i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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