wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
