The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
