Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
