she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
