I'm sorry my penis didn't work
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My vagina just recognized that song.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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