the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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