i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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