You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
