Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
