The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Randomize
