I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
