Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
