Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
