More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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