I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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