There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Are my feet made of real feet?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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